Introverted Extroverting

I used to think I was an outgoing person, but it turns out that "impulsive" and "outgoing" aren't necessarily synonymous. I'm starting to realize that I'm actually emphatically introspective - that the amount of thinking and feeling that goes on within the confines of my skull very rarely makes it to my mouth.

Since this conclusion has crystalized, I've been trying to retrain my brain to be more forthright with its contents. This task has been met all sorts of obstacles. They are listed below in no particular order.

1. Anxiety

This hindrance shows its puny face when the stakes are high. When discussing significant issues or when faced with conflict I shut like a clam. Made of titanium. With agoraphobia. And a gross skin condition.

My anxiety also rises when topics I am passionate about (LGBTQ and Women's Rights, racial profiling, etc.) and I'm trapped in conversation with idiots, but this is another category I'll call "hateanxiety." My definition of "hateanxiety":  the fear that one will become so enraged that you may tear out someone's tongue to discipline them for their ignorance, and that fear inhibits speech.

2. The Belief that My Opinion is Invalid/Uninformed/Unimportant

I have lots of smart friends. The other weekend I found myself wedged in between two people, an aerospace pilot and a computer programmer, discussing non-viscus super fluids. All I had to offer in this conversation was "What is a super fluid?"

(for the record, superfluidity is a theoretical state of matter in which the matter behaves like a fluid with zero viscosity; it appears to exhibit the ability to self-propel and travel in a way that defies the forces of gravity and surface tension. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superfluidity)

I'm also friends with people who are generally about 8-15 years my senior. This combination gives me the mistaken impression that my thoughts on any subject are unfounded or uninformed because it's more than likely that these people have already thought the thinks that I may bring to the table.

For anyone experiencing these thoughts I'd like to tell you, right now, this is an UNTRUE ASSUMPTION. Each person regardless of age has similar life experiences. Love, heartbreak, fear, courage, sadness, joy... but generally each individual has a unique way of looking at these encounters. You can teach people if you allow yourself to bring your thoughts to the conversation without as much inhibition. Don't be afraid to contribute.

3. Classic Daydreaming
Since ADD/ADHD has been falsified (well, sort of: http://www.worldpublicunion.org/2013-03-27-NEWS-inventor-of-adhd-says-adhd-is-a-fictitious-disease.html and to be more thorough http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/adhd.asp) I'll call my tendency Classic Daydreamer's Syndrome. Just now, while writing this in the courtyard of my favorite dive bar, I'm wondering how much space a prehistoric condor would take up if it were to land on the bocci ball court.

THAT'S JUST WHERE MY BRAIN GOES. It's not that I don't care enough to stay focussed, or that I have a disorder... my mind just gets lost in the infinite possibilities this weird life gives us. I'm okay with that - it just means I have to try harder to pay attention when people talk to me or when I have a task that needs doing.


I think the point of this post is to encourage other quiet people. You don't have to be scared of your own voice. There's nothing wrong with introspection... but there's no need to silence your beautiful thoughts out of fear. I've been using the advise that social psychologist Amy Cuddy brought to a TED talk (shout out to Madison J. Cripps for bringing this to my attention) to take small steps to make it easier to speak up. I highly recommend this video on body language.

Also, there is a rainbow appearing over some storm clouds as I write this. Also there is a butterfly that has been sitting near my feet for, like, 30 minutes. Also, I love my weird brain for what it notices.

Wish you were here.

Thanks for reading.